Confidence Deficit

I've never been what one would consider an "athlete."  In fact, one might say I was athletically challenged--I still have scars down my knees from my failed attempt at hurdles in 8th grade.  The poor track coach thought "tall girl with long legs, let's try her on hurdles" and fifteen minutes later I was in the school nurse's office, laying on a cot while she picked cinders out of my shins with a pair of tweezers.  So let's say that sports are not my strong suit.

But when I got older I fell in love with yoga, running and biking, three strenuous activities that are generally safe when done correctly.  So karate was an excellent fit for me.  And so far, that has proven correct.

Except my head isn't there yet.  In my head, I'm still tripping over hurdles.

I know everything that I need to do for my next belt promotion, and I have even had it all signed off.  But every time I have the opportunity for the Master to test me, I find something wrong with what I was doing and delay it.  I know every single thing I need to do to get a perfect score on my belt test, but the only thing I do not have is the confidence to do it.  And that is the problem.

This shouldn't be a shock to those who know me--I have a track record of lacking confidence in certain areas of my life.  It's like I don't think I deserve success or good fortune, that stuff like that is for people who do things totally perfectly, who are naturally athletic or smart or outgoing.  You'd think at the age of 38, with a successful career, a great family and just the sheer will power to learn a new sport would be enough for me to be confident in my abilities, but it's almost as if I need a life coach standing next to me 24 hours a day giving me constant positive reinforcement.  And that's exhausting.  I know.  I don't want to be this way anymore.

So for the next week I am going to stop this negative self-talk and channel my inner Stuart Smalley, be my own life coach.  And I WILL test for my purple belt and I WILL snatch it out of the hands of the Master.  Because I worked hard for it and I will have earned it!

Okay, maybe I won't snatch it out of his hands.  Because he's a lot bigger than me and I'm pretty sure he could break something important.  But you know what I mean.