So first things first: I really need to change the title of
this blog because writing about knitting is sort of boring. I mean, I love knitting, I love to talk about
knitting and I love to read blogs about knitting. But there’s something about me writing about
knitting that is just…..blah. I love to
write and I love to knit, but I don’t love writing about knitting. So there.
I’ll have to think of a clever blog name.
And that brings me to the next topic: my other hobby, the martial
arts. This has been a really difficult
fall for my family and me. My two
daughters have experienced some challenges at their current schools, and my
attention to all of my hobbies has taken a back seat to my first job, which is
being a mom. My paycheck job is spent
being an advocate, and I’ve had to spend more time being an advocate for my
kids. Many nights when I would have
liked to get to the dojo have been spent helping on homework,
shuttling kids to tutors, sending emails to teachers, and sometimes, just
sitting down and taking a moment to give a lot of hugs. I’m reminded often of just how much it sucks
to be 12, and hope that my experience and empathy for what my girls are going
through will help them through their transitions to adulthood.
We are getting there as a family. Changes are being made and issues are being
addressed. I’m fully confident that 2014
will bring better things, and more time to pursue my hobbies. After all, if momma ain’t happy, nobody is
happy. I’ve been running on fumes since
September, mostly because I’m lacking an outlet for my stress.
I attended karate class last night—finally! We generally spar once a month, and last
night was sparring night. And let me just
say that I am not good at sparring.
Mostly because I’m not coordinated.
Me sparring generally looks one step above a girly slapping bar fight,
but I’m getting better. But so much
activity sprung on me is sensory overload, and while I can focus on combination
strikes and keeping my guard up, I am challenged in other areas like looking
for opportunities to capitalize on my opponent’s weaknesses.
Last night, one of my partners was trying to
help me by giving me encouragement and tips as we sparred. I was hopeless! At the end he said jokingly “you need to get
mad.”
I didn’t take offense to this, and totally understood what
he meant. It’s an idea that’s been
shared with me by other sensei and the master.
You have to unleash your “inner bitch” or “momma bear” when practicing
the martial arts and self-defense. Last
year, I got so frustrated while we were sparring---one of the young men was
getting fancy-dancy with lots of high kicks and careless guarding, so I popped
him unexpectedly hard in the face. He
ended up going down, and then I felt bad.
It wasn’t my intent to hurt my partner like that, but what that taught
me was that I have the capability of
releasing that inner bitch—and when she comes out you’d better not be in front of
me!
The problem is that I have spent a lot of my life expressing my anger
inward. As I mentioned before, I spent
years trash-talking myself and performing the reverse cut-down in an effort to
spare myself the agony of others doing it.
To project that outward when confronted is something that takes a lot of
practice for me and one of the reasons why I’m in the martial arts—to gain the
confidence to defend myself against those who attempt to hurt me. And do it in such a way that it’s less
self-destructive than what I have practice for so many years.
So it’s really not the idea of needing to get mad. I get plenty mad about a whole host of
topics, just ask! Most of the anger I’ve
projected over the fall has been focused on defending my children from school
bullies and the sluggish educational bureaucracy. It’s the way I process this
anger and how I express it which is what I must work on. And it is that: a process. Just as I am learning to find my voice to defend
myself (and my family) verbally I must also use my muscles and training to
defend myself against a physical attack.
Just as Peter Cetera sang in what might be one of the
cheesiest songs Chicago ever composed, “you’re a hard habit to break.”
Happy Friday!
